The Life & Times of a Slob.

Slideway to Heaven.

2011-01-14T01:01:00.004+08:00

Once in a while one will come across a friend so valuable, so precious that that friend almost seems to always be by your side whenever, whatever.

In this case, the friend i had was much closer - i first met him in 2000 when i was just in primary school. he was also young then, and he had nowhere to stay, so i took him in.

he was literally by my side through all the drama and anguish for a good portion of my life thus far.
whenever i got home, he would welcome me back with much movement and waving. surprisingly enough, my other family members did not get the same treatment, although he got used to their presence.
in the times when i was kicked out of the house, he accompanied me and saw me though those difficult times as well.
when i needed company, he was always there to listen, never saying a word but always listening, always watching.
in all the chaotic times, he would be the only calm one in the house, and in the lonely sleepless nights before i met her, he accompanied me until i was able to sleep.

he was a good friend.

the week before, he became sluggish and had an extreme loss of appetite - as this happened once in a while i did not think much of it, but his condition worsened as the days went by despite my family helping to observe and care for him.

i approached a qualified doctor in the field to ask for advice, and she did mention that he was quite old given that he was who he was. another warning came when i was told by my love that i should be prepared for the eventuality of his passing, but i believed that he would press on and see me through for another decade or so..

and then i reached home to find his cold, lifeless body.

he passed on sometime in the evening when i was out. he almost seemed to be sleeping when i saw him, but when i tried to stroke his hand and he did not respond, i knew he was gone.
more than a few tears were shed over his passing.

the friend i had for so, so long would no longer be with me.

silly as it may sound, my family had a little funeral for him where he lay. in all the chaos that was my family's past and despite all their urging for me to release him, they also somehow grew to care for him and love him.

i buried him under my block with the aid of an old wooden cooking spoon and a spatula, before snapping the wooden spoon and marking his grave with a simple post. there i stood for a while in the stillness of the night, before returning to my house and seeing the empty tank outside.

somehow i'm glad that he held on for as long as he did until i got back from my trip to bangkok. at least i got to see him for one last time.

there's a little terrapin-shaped hole in my heart now.
one that was filled and set for over a decade.

R.I.P Squirtle the Red-Eared Slider
2000-2011.
Much loved.. Gone too soon.

I miss you so much :'(

One of those days

2010-12-05T14:05:00.001+08:00

It's just one of those days where you totally have to stop and go "wait.. what the hell just happened?"

Never thought I'd say this..

2010-11-06T01:48:00.002+08:00

.. but fuck toy collecting.
fuck kamen riders.
fuck transformers.

this shit gets me into more trouble than it makes up for.

...and for the first time in a long time,
i find myself with my back against the wall.
alone.

The Final Countdown

2010-08-26T00:53:00.001+08:00

well then, no need for another reflective post on life, is there..?

i'll be back soon.. and i'm gonna be totally hot.

Time Travel

2010-07-20T23:58:00.002+08:00

There was a boy
who built a time machine
it was spiffy and shiny
as he surveyed his work
he felt so proud
and smiled in absolute glee

all that was left was
to test it
and with a triumphant cry
the boy pushed the button
and declared
"i really hope i don't die!"

through the timestream
he shot smoothly
as the years went rushing by
out of the wormhole
he landed on his back
facing the midnight sky

he stood up and
dusted himself down
and lo, what did he see?
there on the grass
below him was
a butterfly moving weakly

he thought nothing of it
and proceeded to go
on a little adventure of his own
but before he knew it
his time machine rang
oh, how time had flown

it was time to return
back to his time
and as he stepped into the machine
he couldnt help but notice
the little butterfly's wings
were an odd silvery sheen

he thought nothing of it
and away he went
back to from whence he came
but when he stepped
out into his time
nothing was ever again the same

before him was
a large expanse
of ruin, as far as he could see
he sank to his knees
in shock and despair
how on earth could this be?

he then remembered the butterfly
and something else
called the butterfly effect
he killed a butterfly
when he went back in time
and now the timestream was wrecked

the past came back
to bite him so
horribly hard in his rear
the butterfly effect
wasn't just a theory
and then it all became clear

although he didnt know it
it was his fault
he brought doom upon the world
that butterfly
was responsible
for the first few flowers that unfurled

since the butterfly died
the flowers
no longer came to be
and a massive
chain reaction
which destroyed nature utterly

his eyes widened
as he realized
his biggest, penultimate fear
it was not a ghost
nor a demon
it was dying alone here

and as he sank
to his knees once more
he let out a mournful cry
"please, someone, help!
I don't wanna be
left here to die."

and he felt a hand shake him
and he awoke
it was all but a terrible dream
his mother assured
him it was so
and it was.. or so it would seem.

as she left the room
he opened his clenched hand
his heart stopped and he thought he would die
for in his sweaty palm
there lay unmoving

a silver-winged

crushed

butterfly.

Smile

2010-06-25T03:19:00.003+08:00

I have no idea
Why your smile
Means so much to me
Suddenly I find
For once in my life
I am truly happy

Knowing that
You're loving me
Makes me smile everyday
And when I hold
Your hand I know
Everything's gonna be okay.

Thanks for keeping me going, babe. :)

Well, Life.. What Now?

2010-06-18T02:21:00.002+08:00

So many variables to consider, so many options to weigh, so much residue to sift through.

So much history to unearth, so many memories to rediscover, so many truths to realize.

So many hurdles to cross, so many hatchets to bury, so many roadblocks to clear.

I drag my feet into oblivion
past the photo frames
catching a glimpse of the time
when life was but fun and games

when a plump little boy
cared about nothing at all
had a genuine smile on his face
whose worst enemy was a fall

who never thought the future
would be this tough to handle
when hope is put out and relighted
as easily as a flame from a candle

gone were the times when
nothing really mattered to me
where troubles hardly existed
when i was truly free

the times have changed now
life's shackles have clamped down
shit spread all around me
all i can see is brown

and yet despite it all
amidst the sea of dung
a little tree pokes out
from shit life has sprung

holding onto the tree
as it begins to grow
it lifts me above the mess
up, up and away we go

higher and higher we reach
through the clouds of wool
and there next to the sun
i see a chain labeled: "Pull"

Pulling on it
with all my might
i see the heavens part
with a magnificent roar
the torrents were unleashed
it was just the start

there was a renewal
as the floods
washed all the shit away
the dark clouds turned
white and fluffy
and suddenly there was day

slipping down from the tree
i missed the clouds
and fell from a great height
jolting awake
feeling a tinge of sadness
a guy can dream, right..?

Never again.

2010-06-06T04:01:00.007+08:00

I finally understand why ending everything in one fell swoop seems so appealing.

Cowardice though it may be, sometimes nothing else may be able to truly erase certain scars - either that or going through what it takes seems impossible.. Never again will I mock those who have chosen such a way out.

Such turmoil.

This is all some great big cosmic joke.

Self-Pity/Loathing.

2010-05-14T03:39:00.007+08:00

That's what this post is about.
or rather, it's a simple reflection of my life. which leads to self-pity and loathing.

this is the truth.

if you choose to read on, feel free to point and laugh/rage.

here we go:

I loathe what I've become.

When reality bites it bites so damned hard.

I look at my life and try and see what it's all about - and i see nothing of value.
nothing good that's come out of anything.

i asked myself this: what does my life revolve around?

toys..?
geek trivia..?
the internet..?

the list stopped dead there.

that's it?
that's what my 19 years of existence has amounted to?

toys, geek trivia and a few computer skills?
that's all there is to me?

over the past few years, i've spent close to/more than $5k on toys - the real amount's beyond me, that's just a rough estimate.
i haven't even counted the comic books and trading cards yet.

the wasted money could have helped save a life or feed a family.

each and every day i subconsciously source for useless information - comic book lore, random tidbits of information, geek knowledge and the like.

i know the names and powers of a myriad of comic book superheroes and details on their shenanigans.
i can probably name every single pokemon given enough time.
i can remember the theme song of many cartoons over the years.

what do these things have in common?

they have nothing of value.
nothing which would add to my life or another's.

i regularly find myself sleepless as i think about what the future holds for me after national service - and i draw a blank.
nothing i've ever done will leave so much as a hairline scratch to prove i ever existed - aside from all the wasteful and useless garbage in my wake.

i have friends.

i have friends?

what do i really have in common with most people?

i'm a toy collector/trivia junkie/comic book geek.
my repertoire of conversation topics would be based around said attributes.
nothing i say or do is of vague interest to many - and even if some of then were they'd be bored/pissed off pretty damned quickly when they discover that's all there is to me.

yep, that's all there is to me.

i cannot profess to have many good friends - maybe people i can hold a decent conversation with and who can understand some of the basic human emotions that i experience.

but i am not a good friend.

friendships always seem to be like the latest, most interesting video game that comes along.
i get the game, i engage actively in it for a while, i put effort into it, and after a while the activity fades.
sure, i may pick it up again once in a while and revisit past save files, but that's it.

or at least, that's what everything has amounted to so far.

i might as well have been living in a game of The Sims.

sure, i profess to be a christian - a baptised one at that.
i live for God, right..?

no. i don't.

i have not done anything thus far that a professing christian would do.
not anything.
i hardly pray (if at all), i haven't (out of my own conviction) so much as touched the bible in ages (read: YEARS), and any material completed/service attended/duty done is done simply out of obligation and nothing more.
i realise i've been living a lie.

ian the christian is no more real than optimus prime the autobot.
use a little imagination and we might both just exist virtually for a while.

as i look back, everything that i've ever lived for amounts to nothing of value.
everything has been done solely for self-gratification and just to get that little bit more attention for myself.

me, me, me.
if hedonism were a religion i'd be a pastor.

in short, these are the things i'm supposed/expected to be:
1) a good christian
2) a good son
3) a good brother
4) a good (boy)friend
5) a good student

these are the things i am:
1) a phony 'christian'
2) a lousy son
3) a screwed-up brother
4) an empty vessel
5) a student who barely scrapes through anything.

these are the things i've achieved in my life:
1) a diploma in communications and media management
2) a useless toy collection

that's it.
sure, i can write and rhyme a little - and all for what?
nope, nothing there too.

that's totally it.
that's my life - all 19 years of it.

i have wasted each and every cent of my parents' hard-earned salary poured into raising me and shaping me so that i could have a decent chance at survival when i leave the nest.

they've been raising a good-for-nothing leech.

or to give more fitting imagery - raising a white elephant.

The term 'White Elephant' is derived from Thailand, where an Albino (white) elephant was given to unfavored people by the ruler. Because these elephants were sacred and not permitted to work, it was a burden to the owner as it would eat up all the owner's money until he/she became destitute.
source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/white+elephant

they are ashamed and i know it.

i'm ashamed as well.

while people my age or younger have been slowly making a mark for themselves (or already have made a mark) in life, i've just been sitting by the sidelines too caught up in my stupid, childish view of the world and let the biggest defining moments of my life simply pass me by.

and there's no turning back, is there?

if i knew i was going to die tomorrow (no, this is not a suicide note.) i'd look back and end it on the spot simply because there wouldn't be anything to reflect upon or bring up as a subject of interest for that one remaining day that would bring a smile to anyone's face.

but hey, i'd die laughing.

'cuz my life has been a joke.

to those who still haven't screwed up this badly: don't make the same mistake.
if this helps, then maybe - just maybe, my life would have amounted to at least something.

I'm a hypocrite.

2010-05-12T15:52:00.001+08:00

yes i am.

Disturbed - Two Worlds

2010-05-12T14:16:00.002+08:00

Two worlds are warring in me
Killing us now
Raging inside
Measure the horror in me
Remove the sickness
Plaguing my mind

Two worlds are warring in me
Killing us now
Show me the light

Two worlds collide
Whenever I step to the front
I look for a new place to hide
While tearing my color away
I swallow my pride
But never forget what I want
Starting to long for a time
I bury the war in my mind

Two worlds are warring in me
Both sides are losing
Patience has died
None of the matyr remains
Drowns my conviction
Regions divide

Two worlds are warring in me
Killing us now
Show me the light

Two worlds collide
Whenever I step to the front
I look for a new place to hide
While tearing my color away
I swallow my pride
But never forget what I want
Starting to long for a time
I bury the war in my mind

Give me a sign
Tell me when it's time
Show me the light
Tell me when it's f***ing over

Two worlds collide
Whenever I step to the front
I look for a new place to hide
While tearing my color away
I swallow my pride
But never forget what I want
Starting to long for a time
I bury the war in my mind

As We Go On

2010-02-13T03:23:00.003+08:00

usually at this time i'd be starting my work, or wondering what other assignments come next while my body tries to convince itself it doesn't need to stay up late.

with the passing of this day, all that has changed.

the last day of poly didn't feel the least bit like the last day - everything went on as usual: bad jokes, jabs at one another, rushing into class late with a sheepish grin and everything. the same smiles/frowns were there and so were the people.

next week i'm probably gonna wake up at the same time i do every weekday and look around, only to realise that there's no more school to attend.

seems like a good thing, right?

no more projects.
no more nonexistent weekends.
no more assignment marathons.
no more lousy 2 hour sleeping periods.

that would also mean no coursemates to see.
all the laughter.
all the pain.
all the joy.
all the stress.
all the people.

all gone.

the projects that we went through together, the crazy submission weeks where all of us stayed online past the wee hours into the daylight, the times spend in the news edit room talking smack and singing along to songs blaring from lousy speakers.

the meals we ate together, the times we lugged the heavy-ass cameras around together, the times we suffered while filming and editing and most importantly, the seemingly meaningless moments when everyone just bummed around.

sure, we'd all promise to keep in contact and everything - but how many actually will?
the sands of time will erode some faces and erase certain smiles.
and after a while, little will remain but a slight hint of what was once there.

footsteps will be filled in, graves will be unmarked and forgotten, and flowerbeds will slowly wither.

today after lunch with a few friends, it was time to go.
one by one they left.
slowly but surely with every step, each one walked out of my life the very same way they disappeared from my field of vision - in some ways, it was a normal goodbye, but in everything else it was a farewell.

but i think we all knew deep down inside that this would be the last time we would meet and feel the same way about each other again.. and that there would be some whose paths would never again cross.

sure, their footsteps would remain for a while - and the photos will always be there, but given enough time, new footsteps would inevitably tread over the old ones.

somehow in the past 2 months, through all the blasphemy and madness i've gotten to know people i otherwise have never talked to - and there was so much communication it probably made up for the lack thereof in the past 3 years. it kinda sucks.

they come into my life and warm that little place in my heart in their own unique ways for that short period of time - only to leave it to get cold and emptied when time ushers them out the door, along with the others that have been there from the start.

it's kinda morbid how people are booted out the door. one moment they're there, and another moment.. nothing.

everyone knows "Graduation Song" by Vitamin C:

As we go on
we remember
all the times we
had together
as our lives change
come whatever
we will still be
friends forever

beautiful as it may seem, it'll never happen.
life goes on and people and times change, and everything will fade into the history books - just as the times in primary school, secondary school and everything else one might have experienced before this.

as tertiary education draws to a close and everyone gets older and moves on, hopefully these memories never fade completely and we can recognise and smile at each other if somehow, somewhere we see each other again - on the streets, at work, in the market, or any random place.

we all should have started talking sooner.

my mp3 player started playing "Say The Same" by Hoobastank - i almost changed the song but listened to it and almost regretted it - i had to struggle not to look like i felt the pain of missing people already. the lyrics screamed at me and punched me in the gut.

We've walked together down this winding road
In search of something true
Together we grew

But now our journey has come to an end
And it's on to something new
For me and you.

So goodbye, my friend
Until we meet again
Some other day
I know so much will change
But looking back I can say
I wouldn't change a day
I hope you can say
I hope you can say
The same.

So many memories
We got to make
The challenges we met
I'll never forget.

'cause those lessons made us who we are today
Now we're taking the next step
Without a regret
No regret

So goodbye, my friend
Until we meet again
Some other day
I know so much will change
But looking back I can say
I wouldn't change a day
I hope you can say
I hope you can say
The same.

our paths start to inch ever so closely away from each other and continue to do so.
before everything gets too far away, i'd like to be thankful for everything and everyone that my path has been crossed by - and although things will never be the same ever, ever again, at least for the moment there is bittersweet happiness.

our time on this common battlefield has come to an end.
beyond this, uncountable others stretch over the horizon as far as the eye can see.
that brief moment when we were brothers in arms has come to an end..
and now we must fight our own battles.

So goodbye, my friends
Until we meet again
Some other day
I know so much will change
But looking back I can say
I wouldn't change a day
I hope you can say
I hope you can say
The same.

damn melodrama right.

2010-02-12T00:41:00.002+08:00

my group's blood, sweat, tears and drool over many weeks.

enjoy.

TraPped from Shady Rebel on Vimeo.

HOOHAH

2010-02-11T02:35:00.001+08:00

This is the first time I'm sleeping in my own bed since Saturday..
This is awesome.

Snore

2010-01-29T02:42:00.004+08:00

i look into the brain cavity
but there's nothing i can find
i stare at those pale glassy orbs and
wonder how one could be so blind

running through the tall grass
searching for something never there
cuts and bruises when i fall
haplessly mauled by a bear

ducking and running for cover
amidst the bullets and shells
aged childish scrawling on a broken wall
seeking the stories it tells

awake at three in the morning
telling the tale of a nonexistent man
his struggle and eventual death
i tell the best stories i can

maybe i need some warm milk
probably a nice pillow too
sleep all the troubles away
in dreamland troubles are few

i never knew a dozen minus two
equated to eternity
just gotta hold on a while longer
before i let go of me

Boom Boom Pow

2010-01-28T19:44:00.000+08:00

"G-get me a g-gun Bucky. I need to s-shoot someone. N-NOW!"

To My Dearly Beloved World Issues Group Members

2010-01-28T01:14:00.001+08:00

lest i fall into
everlasting sleep
tell the good doctor
the slides from my body he can reap

my soul will be gone
but the slides will remain
at least next week
presentation marks you'll gain

and now i press on
every nerve in my body screaming
as i do the slides
as i lay dying

tell my story
the good and the bad
tell it truly
and do not be sad

for i have gone to a better place
a place on a distant star
during the presentation
i will not be far

press on.

Sleeping Child.

2010-01-18T03:46:00.003+08:00

i was informed by my mother that the funeral at the void deck was for a 13-month old baby who passed away because of health complications.

13 months old.

thirteen.

months.

old.

the kid never got a chance to grow up, make friends, play with them, see the wonders of nature, attend school, experience the tumultuous teenage years, get attached, get married, have kids and watch them grow up and do the same, or grow old.

the kid skipped all that and went from being born, to being ill and dying.
straight from ashes to ashes and dust to dust with barely anything inbetween.

and then i look at the people who constantly bitch and whinge about how nobody understood them, how they have no friends, how difficult their life was and that sometimes they just wished they could end it all.

i look at the people who eat food and yet complain that the food's not good enough, that their house wasn't good enough for them, that they wished they didn't have to attend school or do assignments, that their results just weren't good enough.

i look at the people who complain about relationship issues and how they would constantly go in and out of them, lamenting their plight and how either gender was the worst thing on earth and how they would wish they could find the perfect one who would accede to all their wishes without imposing anything on them.

i look at the people who complain about life.

i spit on these people.

yes, i am aware i'm probably one of them.

bloody ingrates.

whatever happened to being contented?
whatever happened to "hey, things could have been worse, but they aren't! this is awesome!"

sometimes people get so caught up in their own conceited lives that they forget about the good things that happened and instead question why other good things didn't happen.

they get unhappy.

they get discontented.

they start to complain.

summed up for the intellectually challenged or the numbskulls that still haven't gotten the gist of this post:

shit happens.
when good things happen, lesser shit happens.
but it still happens.
instead of being thankful for lesser shit happening, one starts asking why even lesser shit doesn't happen.

this is where people need to get punched real hard in the face by reality.

once again i am made painfully aware of my hypocritical nature.

rest in peace, kid.
i never knew your name and have never seen your face.
maybe i'll catch up with you once i get up there.

if i get up there.

R.I.P
Jane Doe
Dec 2008 - Jan 2010
Gone too soon.

2010-01-14T03:01:00.003+08:00

i've just taken what might be one of the most theraputic dumps in my life.

a dump.
a poop.
a crap.
big business.
or the traditional pangsai.

whatever one chooses to call it, one thing's for sure - a good poop is one of the little joys of life.

sitting there in your little sanctuary where all is quiet (except for maybe the little drip-drips that come outta nowhere in the toilet) and silence is comfortable.

in that moment, all the hustle and bustle just fade away into a faint murmur, and for one small window of time one can truly say one's mind is at peace in the day.

nobody's baying for your blood and asking you to vacate the ivory throne, and in that little moment there is complete serenity.

in that small yet weirdly cozy room, there's time to hear yourself think - and nothing to derail your train of thought.

well, aside from the chocolatey missiles impacting the surface of the water ever so often.

as one's body relieves itself of physical waste, one's mind starts to sort out the various bits and pieces and attempts to piece them together or trash them - it takes a crap too, in a sense.
only during these still, silent moments can one truly properly think about certain issues and deal with them.

it's like a dream somehow.

and then reality falls from the sky in a much-awaited dramatic entrance as it seeks to crush your castles in the sky and cause the rubble to fall in your eyes and blind you.

and one has to reluctantly grab those neatly cut squares of toilet paper, wipe the waste from one's bottom (both mentally and physically) sadly leave that little safe haven to return to the big, bad world outside.

life needs to have more moments like this.

people come and go, and my action figures may one day rot and burn.
my room may one day be desolated and will cease to be that cave i can hide in.
but that little toilet bowl will always be that one safe haven i can run to and relieve myself.

i'll be back, toilet.
and i know you'll be waiting.

Pain.

2010-01-03T00:20:00.003+08:00

compared to the love on high
human love is merely
the tiniest fragment ever
the most laughable parody

loving, leaving and yet
not being able to say why
not being able to explain
maybe not even a goodbye

still it must happen
although it doth burn
the gates must be sealed
for there is still much to learn

the one comfort
alleviating all that i bear
is that in my heart i know
He is now and forever there

all these i count but loss
burying them with my pride
so that there may be spring there
and He is glorified.

The Garden

2010-01-02T03:02:00.003+08:00

there was once a gardener
along with a few more
and a little park
of which he toiled for

the park was a delightful place
butterflies and flowers everywhere
small and quite unnoticed
it was peaceful there

day after day he
would run around to tend
the little flowers that grew
to remove the weeds from the land

despite the thorns and
the times he would stub his toe
he still did his job for
he loved the park so

the gardeners did their jobs
aided nature in its course
admiring the wonders and
giving thanks to their source

the park began to flourish
more and more people passed through
one by one they came
as the park's reputation grew

despite all the fame
the park started to sustain damage
the litter and pollution left behind
the graffiti and the garbage

the gardener was hard pressed
to undo the damage there
despite the work increasing
there was still concern and care

sadly enough the park got
dirtier as the days went by
the flowers started to wilt and
the butterflies started to die

the park's owners heard the news
and issued a decree
none were to set foot there
while it was fixed professionally

even the gardeners had to go
a time from which the decree was dated
when the gardener heard the news
he was utterly devastated

they were to leave until
the park had sufficiently healed
until further notice was given
the place was officially sealed

he understood little of
why this decree had to be
but the words were firm clear
so he packed his bags sadly

as the time drew nearer by the day
although there was such pain
he knew it was right and started to go
and it began to rain

the droplets pelting down
the stinging in his eyes
as he closed the gates
he turned to say his goodbyes

slowly as he left as he wondered
if this was the only way
but in his heart he knew this was right
maybe
just maybe
he could return someday.

Grinch Time.

2009-12-24T21:20:00.002+08:00

the season of joy and giving - people laughing, eating turkey and ham, smiling at each other and celebrating this over-commercialized holiday called 'xmas' (Christ isn't part of this holiday anymore, is He?).

here i am cooped up in my little room, enjoying a nice little bowl of cup udon surrounded by the pseudo-friends i have known as Optimus Prime and company, while people all over meet up with friends and family.

my dad's a million miles away, my mother's got so many issues to settle she can hardly breathe, and my sister's got her tv. hooray.

xmas seems to be the saddest time of the year - seeing people running around with large smiles on their faces and one has to wonder - how can some be so happy knowing so little?

phooey.
scrooge and the grinch, where are ya?

Away.

2009-12-13T19:21:00.000+08:00

going off to Tokyo from the 13th to the 21st - i'm still contactable via handphone.

Not that anybody's gonna miss me anyway.. >_>

goodbye singapore.

2009-11-17T00:44:00.002+08:00

what constitutes as a 'friend' nowadays does not even live up to what a 'regular acquaintance' was in the past.

somewhere, somehow, somewhen, the word 'friend' has been bastardized and mutiliated so much to the point that it no longer has any meaning.

it's sad how the only things that seemingly matter at all have been warped and twisted the most.

Firsts

2009-11-13T02:44:00.002+08:00

this week, i managed to complete a 2.4km run for the first time in my life, did the first few proper push-ups in my life, and discovered the amazing healing properties of boxers.

and somehow this manages to be the shittiest week ever.

Cough cough.

2009-11-05T00:38:00.002+08:00

painstakingly drawing
a ragged breath
it is one closer to
inevitable death
nearer and nearer
the end seems
and then darkness
the end of all dreams

Toilet Paper

2009-11-02T07:27:00.003+08:00

my mother just got a new kind of toilet paper because it was at a discounted enough price to be comparable to normal toilet paper. it looks kinda nice, with little seashells and dolphin prints on it. granted, it had hours of play value, but a toilet paper's design doesn't affect much. after all, i'm not gonna be looking at it 24/7.

it looks a little like this, only that the flamingos are dolphins, the flowers are seashells and it's green. use your imagination.

not wanting to judge a book by its cover though, i decided to poke it. it felt normal to the touch. i put its integrity to the test about a day later when my stomach insisted on its right to expel everything wrong in numerous painful incidents in the span of an hour, at about 6:30am in the morning on what was supposed to be a day where mornings aren't supposed to exist for me, because i do not have to go to school.

i was not pleased.

somehow though, the toilet paper made it (almost) bearable.

don't get me wrong, i'm not a toilet paper connoisseur, but the moment i used it i could tell that it was awesome. it's been a long time since my butt felt good toilet paper.

it can be argued that the chief purpose of toilet paper is to absorb and clean away waste or dirt, and it is commonly used after one takes a dump to clear remnants of said dump away from one's posterior.

in other words, it's more or less used to clean after you pangsai lah.

there are two kinds of toilet paper.

the first seems absolutely normal - it feels soft to the touch and is seemingly thick enough to soak up a decent amount of fluid - however, when used, it somehow manages to start crumbling and wearing thin, inevitably leaving bits of itself behind along with uncleaned waste, as well as giving rise to a cause for the user to wash their hands furiously with soap and curse and swear moments later.

it also makes one feel like one just swiped a cheese grater over one's butt.

the second also seems absolutely normal - it's also soft and is also seemingly thick enough to soak up decent amounts of fluid, but when used it proves itself to be more than meets the eye (i had to do it!). it holds strong despite the waste it has to clear, and it does a good job of catching a fair amount of waste with each wad used. also, it feels like a little bit of happiness mixed in with some cloud freshly picked from a cool blue sky.

good toilet paper is hard to find.

now, both kinds of toilet paper look alright and feel soft to the touch, and may even smell similar - however, one cannot tell which kind of toilet paper one is using until crunch time comes.
essentially, only when a roll of toilet paper is called to serve its purpose can one truly tell what it's made of, and whether it will stand strong in the face of brown, mucky adversity or crumble like the cheap pulp its made out of.

this would make for a good facebook quiz: 'What Kind of Toilet Paper are You?'

i have no idea why the dolphins are still smiling.

The Cliff.

2009-10-20T01:42:00.003+08:00

those who have sight yet do not see
those who have hearing but do not hear
some may be true down to the core
others may be more than they appear

being drawn blindly like
moths to the proverbial flame
what seems light an outer glow
hides the fire's true name

time and again the blind lead
each other to a cliffside to die
and when they fall they start to wonder
"how did this happen, why?"

signs were placed for the sight that was not sight
verbal warnings for those that heard yet did not
over they fall onto the rocks below
their bodies doth fester and rot

those who have sight yet do not see
those who have hearing but do not hear
let it be said before the end
that the warnings were crystal clear.

you guys can go finish yourselves now.

2009-10-17T03:06:00.000+08:00

Educate yourselves, people.
Your children need to know The Truth.

http://www.wikihow.com/Use-You%27re-and-Your

It's Been A Long Time.

2009-10-14T06:28:00.002+08:00

it's 6.28 am on the 14th of October, 2009.

time sure flies. it's the first quarter of the 13th day of my 19th year of existence.

much has happened.

it's 5 days til' the submission date of my internship report, and i've just only finished the first segment after 2 whole weeks of sloth and procrastination - this serves either as a break from the large amount of typing i did, or yet another avenue of distraction - i don't know.

i kept meaning to post an end-of-internship celebratory/reminiscing post, but i realised that nobody actually gives two hoots about what went on save the lecturer grading the report (and they're only doing this cuz they're paid to do it, not cuz they actually care), so it would be kinda redundant as well.

i shall attempt conclude/summarize my 24-week internship with one word.

awesome.

granted, there were rough times here and there, and it wasn't very smooth-sailing. however, those are the things which i can truly give thanks for. those were the true learning experiences i had - of course, the people around were totally awesome, the environment was good, and the free gym was even better.

all in all, i know without the Lord, the internship wouldn't have been as awesome as it had. where else would one find a kind and caring supervisor, a colleague who managed to bug me enough to get me off my fat ass to the gym, and the various motherly figures in the workplace who showed that much concern?

internship aside, there was also the issue of an obligatory birthday reflection on my life, but i decided to skip that as well - once again, why would anybody care? it's just last years' reflection with a little bit more added in, that's all.

people wished, i thanked, and that's all there is to it.

the only significance this birthday actually holds would be to mark the last year of my teenage years before i embark on a journey to serve the nation for 2 years and emerge as a man.

i've found that birthdays (or mine, at least) get less and less exciting as time passes. as a child, birthdays were really, really special - i remember the nights full of anticipation on the 30th of september when i just couldn't sleep, thinking of all the happiness and gifts that would follow after i awoke the next day.

this year's just came and went without so much as a whimper.

each birthday marks the start of yet another year of existence where more responsibilities would be piled on like trash into a landfill, where more and more bitter realizations would jump in and tear more holes in one's sanity, and where the world drums the reminder harder and harder each year that nobody actually gives a damn.

however, each birthday also marks yet another year that the Lord's goodness has brought me through.

for all i know, i could wake up dead the next day - the fact that i'm totally fat could result in the possibility of me having an asthma attack/heart attack in my sleep and not ever waking.
or i could get smushed by a passing car on my way home and have my guts paint the road a lovely shade of scarlet.

His mercies are truly new everyday.

this period of time also marks the last semester of my tertiary education in Temasek Polytechnic. little did i know that two and a half years would pass so fast - memories of secondary school still fester in my mind. heck, before i know it, i'm gonna be one of the worker drones that..

t-that..

..oh wait, i've already experienced what it's like.

i've been pondering over this post for nearly half an hour as the memories run past giggling and pointing.

it's time to get back to my report before procrastination gets its sneaky claws around me and drag my snoozing, sloth-like body back into its sweet, sweet embrace.

2009-10-05T00:22:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i look at other people and wonder what it's really like to have people to make conversation with and/or be conversed with regularly.

like.. c'mon. have a regular friend to talk to?
that's preposterous!

i've never known something like that!

Finally Found The Full Quote.

2009-09-08T21:28:00.000+08:00

"Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
— C.S. Lewis

Epic Battle.

2009-09-03T10:12:00.002+08:00

the battlefield was an endless plain of white - the surface almost glinting in the sun.

behind that, near the darkening horizon, an oppressive and malevolent entity hovered, poised for the perfect moment to strike. there were whispers that the entity came from a dark and unknown void, drawn to this world through a portal of pure evil. but nobody knew for sure.

the moment to strike arrived all too soon.

in a display of angry, almost evil power, the entity manifested itself as a searing, burning sludge and moved like a tide across the battlefield, consuming all in its path. there was no time to react - before the opposing forces could cry out, the sludge overwhelmed them and many perished, assimilated into the burning wave.

on and on the entity charged, eager to sully the perfect whiteness of the battlefield it so hated - bringing darkness and death was its only intention.

wave after wave of valiant defenders succumbed to the seemingly invulnerable force for what seemed like an eternity. the defenders were running out of time and resources.

and suddenly, the entity ceased to be, as suddenly as it had appeared.

there was peace on the battlefield as the defenders scurried to clear the debris and remnants of the entity's destructive path.

the air was still heavy with the entity's scent.

the future seemed to hang in the balance, and uncertainty clouded their minds.
they knew it would be back.. but when..?

Quiet.

2009-09-01T01:24:00.001+08:00

it's been a long time since i had a night like this.

no disturbances whatsoever, the room being just the right temperature and nothing smelling too bad wafting through my window.

and it's been a long time since i had a good think about things.
the end of my internship's drawing ever so near - and i can't help but stifle the thought that i'll really really miss all of them there.

i was hungry and they fed me.
i was thirsty and they gave me teh to drink.
i was left out so they gave me a shirt to match them.

a good bunch of people, they are. i'll especially miss the brother, the cousin, the aunt, the grandmother and of course the mother.
yeah, i really will - despite it only having being 5 months plus.

i should probably catch up with one or two old friends with the short holiday i have just after the end of my internship (24 days as of now) before the school term starts.

if you're reading this and you know somehow i'm thinking of you as i write this, or you're thinking of me as you read this, then you'll probably expect a sms or two in the weeks to come.

and then there's my maternal grandmother who apparently lost her mind. things don't really look good for her - in spite of it all i have this small speck of hope that she'll return to the kindly, doting old lady that i fondly remember she was, up until this year when things started to go downhill. the hope's there but it's fading fast.

the day she ceases to remember me as 'Yang' will be the day i never existed to her at all - as with the numerous others that have been forgotten along with fragments of her sanity. that day seems to be drawing ever so much closer everytime i hear a piece of disheartening news about her deteriorating condition.

what'll i do now?

Happenstance

2009-08-19T08:17:00.003+08:00

this is the earliest i've been in the office thus far - 815 am.
this is the time i usually jolt out of bed and panic about being late for work.

it hasn't been a very good morning - i woke up 10 minutes later than i wanted to, my terrapin shat his tub again and stank up the kitchen, and i had stuff to poop but it just wouldn't come out, which wasted my time on the pearly-white throne in the toilet.

there's going to be a course today which i REALLY don't wanna go to (i'm not one for team-building games and senseless rah-rahing) and waking up early's definitely not a bonus. walking to the office didn't help either - it was a really warm morning and i was sweating buckets (it didn't help that i'm in white either).

what i'm thankful for today is that i've had a really good dream during those lousy 5 hours of sleep - that's more than enough for me to think about and keep me going through the day. i dreamt i met up with a good friend.. and that's it.

just before i typed this, someone who strongly reminds me of an older version of the good friend i dreamed about passed by my makeshift cubible/table and smiled, starting a small, casual conversation. it was a nice random event which just happened to go very well with the dream i had.

it reminded me that there was a good reason to smile. perhaps it was a happy coincidence - but then again everything does have a purpose and a reason, however disconnected from everything else that's happening it may seem.
it was a little good mixed in with the events of the day, like how a cube of sugar can make a whole cup of bitter coffee taste that little bit much sweeter - making that little warm drink ever so much more delectable.

this is just one of the little things in life which can turn a potentially bad day into a good day.

2009-08-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

here are my two best friends for 6 years and counting.
they keep me company at night.
their names are cookie and little hippo.

they've been there for me when most aren't.

From Stuff

Nightmares.

2009-08-14T23:51:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i dreamt that i left my laptop in an abandoned theatre with the odd mannequin in random seats staring at a ruined film.

i went back and found that it was missing, only to check the cctv and see two shady looking guys booting up my laptop, sniggering and running off the screen just before i went back to look for my laptop.

i was so distraught that i woke up in cold sweat.

this is one of the weirder dreams i've had.
gimme a zombie dream anyday.

Simple Pleasures.

2009-08-10T03:57:00.003+08:00

a night of good laughs and many a round of street fighter with a few good friends..

these simple pleasures in life make it worth living.

no need to get caught up in the web of intricacies, or the many twists and turns of politics, whether around people i know or otherwise.

life is good when left as simple as it is.

Life is AWESOME.

2009-08-03T22:28:00.001+08:00

i think life is awesome.

no really, i do.

imagine you had a glass that could contain 500ml of water.
it contains only 250ml. (yes, its the old glass of water argument.)

is it half full, or half empty?

i don't know about you, but i for one say that i don't really care whether it's half full or half empty - the fact that there's water in it at all is something to be thankful for.

life isn't inherently bleak - the whole universe does not conspire to bring down certain individuals or make life difficult.
it's true.
i've heard that old line "BUT LIFE ISN'T FAIR!" one too many times - even from myself.

unhappy that all your friends own the latest phones while you're stuck with a dingy old one?
unhappy that your parents don't seem to understand you?
unhappy that you don't get enough money from your parents to get that object you always wanted?
unhappy that everyone around you is getting attached while you're still single?
unhappy that the teachers in your school aren't doing a good job?
unhappy that your friends don't seem to pay enough attention to you?

consider this:

some people don't even have money for lousy food and a proper shelter, let alone a stupid phone.
some people don't have parents to have misunderstandings with.
some people don't have money to feed their children, let alone provide anything more.
some people don't even have a chance to live through their teenage years.
some people don't even have the opportunity to learn anything.
some people don't have the luxury of seeing their friends healthy and alive.

life isn't fair alright.
if you're reading this, you've probably got it easy.
stop and think for a moment - remember what you already have.

i scoff at anyone who mopes around and whines about their condition and complain that "life sucks!"
i spit on the notion that people think they're the only ones who have problems and that life is out to get them.
you have it easy, morons.

i don't know about you, but if you're moping and being all upset, you can continue not appreciating what you already have and be blind to everything, no matter little or not, that you have been blessed with.

i'll just appreciate life and everything i have.
it could be worse.

i think life is totally, totally awesome.

edit: i just recieved this chain mail from my auntie - and it seems to fit the theme pretty well.

I AM THANKFUL: FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME .

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS

I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

State of Zen.

2009-07-21T09:51:00.001+08:00

this morning seems unusually nice and peaceful.

cooling weather, near-empty upper deck of the bus (ignoring the drunk guy who smelled really bad mumbling to himself), reaching the office early and being smiled at by a pretty lady, the laptops running fast and internet having a stable connection..

conclusion: something's not right.

Guffaw.

2009-07-19T01:26:00.004+08:00

in those little moments
there was true bliss
nothing else could replace
moments like this.

hee hee hee.

Green Cheese.

2009-07-13T21:38:00.001+08:00

and i stand here
and look at the moon
and wonder
if it's lonely up there.

As Optimus Shrugs Off Jetfire's Parts

2009-07-12T01:17:00.002+08:00

i was looking for answers
and one came through the door
in the most unexpected way
helped me shrug off this burden
and carry it no more
the answer was clear as day

no longer wasting my time
caring about those who dont
respond in return
as they say
once bitten twice shy
after all this i'd better learn.

Feeling Loved.

2009-07-09T15:23:00.003+08:00

my pay got delayed by a week so all i have left in my wallet were 2 cents.

but when the more motherly ones found out they bought me food to tide through this cash-less week! :D

the Lord truly provides - and i've been blessed with food and more importantly love from the people in the office! :D :D :D

i'm feeling very very much loved in the office right now. God is good. :)

Whoopee.

2009-07-06T22:05:00.003+08:00

10025 web counter hits on webbleworld.blogspot.com since 28/4/2008.

that means 716 hits per month or roughly about 23 hits a day.

*throws confetti*

eating alone is a strangely good sensation.
nobody to worry about making small talk with.
nobody be a distraction while savoring each and every herb and spice which goes into the food.
nobody to steal one's food when one happens to be looking the other way.

yet that empty table brings this small thought that nibbles away slowly at the corners of my sanity - looking around and seeing the smiling faces of those who have a companion to eat and enjoy, or even those who, although seemingly eating alone, have friends smsing/calling to accompany them while they eat their food with makes this thought start to chew a little faster.

and the thought sounds a little like this:
why am i eating alone?
and the food on the table suddenly seems tasteless.

:( so much for the 10025 hits.

Long Live The King.

2009-07-02T17:27:00.004+08:00

source: http://crisdelara04.deviantart.com/art/Michael-Jackson-Always-Alive-127667879

i saw this image on deviantart and i nearly cried.

its been a week and a day since MJ died.

never would i have thought that i would be so sad over the death of someone i've never met.

long live the king.

Michael Joseph Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Little Joys

2009-06-29T01:17:00.004+08:00

in life we find ourselves
moving a little too fast
and we often fail to notice
the little joys that have gone past

the cool mornings that come
and the new days they bring
the world awaking from slumber
the songs that little birds sing

the flowers of the field
all gently swaying in the breeze
the kings of the world in their glory
were not clothed like any of these

the gentle warmth of sunlight
the soothing rustle of trees
the aroma of baked bread
the little plate of carrots and peas

the little smile on a friend's face
just to show that they care
from the mild laughter at a bad joke
to those special moments friends share

those little things taken for granted
never noticed although so near
take a moment to appreciate them
before they disappear.

2009-06-27T01:09:00.001+08:00

some stuff i've been working on.

dum dee dum.

Kabutos Clash by ~FeiZaiCheng on deviant ART

L4D Hunter by ~FeiZaiCheng on deviant ART

2009-06-22T14:24:00.002+08:00

today was
a dreary day
the city was damp and cold
and the sky was grey

the office was quiet
and i sat down feeling blue
and there was nothing to think of
except maybe you..

my beloved sub and cookies.

2009-06-12T17:12:00.002+08:00

Never made a positive difference
Never have. What's the use of trying?
From the look of circumstances
Probably never will. Love is lying.

Suddenly becoming a hermit in the mountains of Japan seems like an awfully good idea.
Nobody to give a poop about me nor anyone I need to give a poop about.

..except my pet yak.

Of Poops And Hearts And Little Farts

2009-06-11T15:13:00.001+08:00

a 'happy' poem by some standards by popular demand.
take the plunge.

a good poop can make your day sometimes
wouldn't you agree
you don't have to smell or even look
just do it after you pee

a good poop can make you feel
much much lighter than before
you go in the toilet burdened and heavy
and come floating out the door

a good poop is, of the day
a very important part
no day on earth is ever complete
without a decent poop or fart

a good poop can end the day
with much relief of pain and stress
as you feel the shit come out

your

smelly

___.

2009-06-04T02:20:00.002+08:00

there was once a young rose
by the side of the road
displayed for all to see
the only rose
in a patch of wildflowers
how it got there was a mystery

among the wildflowers
it grew from a seed
caressed by the wind, unbridled and free
and yet it doubted itself
that it could be anything more
than a wildflower could ever be

"i'm nothing special,"
it told itself
"what more is there to me?
i'm just a wildflower
like everyone else
wouldn't you all agree?"

the wildflowers shook their heads
in disbelief and said
"you're more beautiful than any of us!"
and yet the rose
replied with a sigh
"i don't see what's all the fuss."

"i have petals the colour of blood
and large sharp thorns on my body
always ready to hurt and not to love,"
the wildflowers once again
shook their heads and said
"you're not giving yourself the credit you deserve."

"you may be like us
with petals and leaves
but yet you're one of a kind
others walk past
and look at us
and yet you're the only one they'll find."

the rose looked at
the wildflowers who spoke
green, yellow and white they were
each unique and beautiful
in their own way
and yet they were encouraging her.

it so happened
that a human child walked past
and cried out gleefully
"there's a rose here
come and look!
it's beautiful, mommy!"

the mother came along
took one look at the rose
and a faint smile appeared on her face
"do not touch it, child
as you can see
the rose is in its rightful place"

"those wildflowers
all green yellow and white
beautiful as they may be
the rose to them
is like you, my child
a miracle borne of life's beauty."

"the rose is still young
it has much to learn
and yet it brings much joy to the world
as each day passes
more beauty is unveiled
as its petals are slowly unfurled."

"come, my child."

Cuteness Is Edible.

2009-05-29T01:13:00.003+08:00

i've overheard people describing certain objects as cute - teddy bears, hamsters and people are acceptable - but what happens when it branches out to more questionable stuff?
various things i heard being described as cute were various cupcakes, jellies and the like.
even a care bear agar-agar cake.

AND TO ALL THE GULLIBLE AND HIGHLY IMPRESSIONABLE STUDENTS OUT THERE: cute does NOT mean ugly but adorable.
here are two commonly accepted definitions by the rest of the less gullible people (otherwise known as the rest of the world) :

1. attractive, esp. in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: a cute child; a cute little apartment.

2. affectedly or mincingly pretty or clever; precious: The child has acquired some intolerably cute mannerisms.

would you eat something cute?

imagine this:
those shiny, beady eyes and that dainty little smile on that jelly baby glint at you as if they contained a little secret, and the ever-so-soft tummy gently pushes back as you prod it with your finger. it looks almost ready to giggle. its hands are raised in glee as it is lifted out of the packet and the chubby little thing looks almost like a little angel.

that is, until you tear the heart out of the jelly baby and eat it, along with its other assorted guts and limbs. and all the jelly baby can do is give you that cold, loving stare as it gets mutilated and devoured whole, crushed between grinding molars and carving canines. a silent scream echoes across the jelly-baby dimension and is suddenly cut short as its skull gets smashed into a million sticky pieces.

morbid, no?

heck, they still taste good.
give me the warm slightly beating heart of a jelly baby over a mundane gummy worm any day.

2009-05-24T19:23:00.003+08:00

one has practically all that i've asked for
all one could possibly need
and yet one feels something
missing inside indeed

something to fill
that little empty space
but try as one might
it seems to be a sad, sad case.

somehow somewhere
as one stares beyond the gloom
there seems to be a light just beyond that
and yet the abyss just before spells doom

the light seems so beautiful
and yet one dares not go
for fear of falling into the chasm
and yet the light lures one so

so near yet so far
one's predicament seems oddly familiar
that funny little sensation of uneasiness
coupled with just a little tinge of fear

stuck here on this cliff of emotion
with nowhere else to tread
if only life was as simple
as buttering a piece of bread.

...this is retarded.
i'm off to dinner.

1-2-3

2009-05-18T00:49:00.002+08:00

between the fabric of realities
if one searches, one might find
a mass of timelines and lifetimes
all like strings intertwined

and picking apart the strands
one might just see
the lifetime, the timeline
of the author of this poem, me.

and as i pick at my string
i begin to realise
that somehow somewhere it so happened
that my string was full of lies

my very existence was a fallacy
affect others it did not
removing my string would not make a difference
contrary to what i thought

making a difference
was something i never did
it would be so much better
if that string of mine were hid

somewhere somehow i wish
i had never existed from the start
then maybe the world would be a better place
and have one less lonely heart.

BoogaBooga.

2009-05-14T00:57:00.002+08:00

Loveliness has never seen
a sweeter face
or heartwarming smile
or imperfection with such grace

time and again
it passes by
and i fear too
much to even try

in time it may
or not at all
either way
i'd still hit the wall.

...circumstances can kiss my butt.

All New BCYX Action Figure!

2009-04-25T12:54:00.002+08:00

have you ever picked up a toy when you were young and wanted to get into that role of the dashing, suave and impossibly well-proportioned superhero?

or have you ever watched a movie and thought: "this dude's amazing - if only i were like him!"

don't lie - every guy's done either at least once. every guy wants to be an action hero - well, nearly every guy.

but many of us don't get to live out that dream.

however, the closest you can get to that is...

The as-of-yet-unpatended Bryan Chan™ Action Figure!

Having your very own action figure.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYAN.

the action figure was based on Bryan Chan™'s karate fight thingy the other time - here's the best picture that was used for reference (and the face too!)

and now that's aside, here's some shots of when it was still being worked on:

i finished the sewing of the mini-gi in about an hour while watching a few shows.
here are some pics of the various poses Mini-Bryan can achieve.

"Y!"

"M!"

"C!"

"A!

and just for fun, here are some fight scenes with Transformers Animated Ultra Magnus (only because Maggie here looks the most threatening with all his guns and whatnot).

"GRRRAAARGH!"

"Bring it, fool!"

"SECRET TECHNIQUE OF THE CHAN CLAN - SPIDER-STYLE SUPERCHAN KICK™!"

"HIYAHHHH!"

"H-how is that possible?! No man can beat me!"

"I'm not just any man.. I'm BRYAN CHAN™!"

With Great Sewing Comes Great Action Figures.

this might just prove to be the greatest line of birthday gifts yet.

AND YES, I CAN SEW.
surprise surprise.

Emo 4 Life

2009-04-21T23:49:00.006+08:00

i think emos should do a joint project with the blood bank.

no, seriously.

emo people (those who cut their wrists but do it wrong - see fig 1.1) basically thrive on the fact that nobody understands them and they need to cut themselves in order to create physical pain as a manifestation and distraction of their inner pain.

see the Urban Dictionary (Click Here!) for more info about "across the street".

Fig 1.1

Disclaimer - this picture is in no way intended to promote suicidal thoughts or encourage suicidal tendencies. i am in no way liable for any physical harm that emo people inflict on themselves upon seeing this image.

so if they think the world is mocking them, why not take it to the next level?
their suffering will turn into other people's joy!

by donating blood, not only do they manifest their pain and loss in a physical manner (and convincing the world that metaphorical bloodsuckers are sucking the life out of them), they also manage to let people rejoice at their pain (emos naturally abhor painkillers) and loss of blood!

two words with one stone, no?

jokes aside, i think that cutting your wrists to quell the inner pain while feeling it physically is complete bull.

if one is supposedly that mature and has seen the ugly side of the world and knows what suffering is and yadda yadda yadda, one should be wise enough (or at least not that stupid) to know that nobody gives a flying fart about the pain you feel.

get over it already!

(if you scroll down you'll see a poem. i was not being emo - i was EMOTING. so there.)

Emote (taken from dictionary.com)
–verb (used without object), e⋅mot⋅ed, e⋅mot⋅ing.

1. to show or pretend emotion: to emote over the beauties of nature.

2. to portray emotion in acting, esp. exaggeratedly or ineptly; behave theatrically: The actress emoted for all she was worth.

Again.

2009-04-18T02:25:00.003+08:00

once again i sit
in my cold and dark room
staring at the screen
the light out of the gloom

this familiar feeling
stretches out and ensnares me
i feel my enthusiasm drop
and i feel no longer happy

it's 2am in the morning
and i sit here all alone
once again this emotion
starts to chill me to the bone

every now and then
it comes to torment me
much lesser than before, however
from it i have yet to be free

this sadness, this loneliness
this longing to belong
and i sit here asking
"what did i do wrong?"

immediately self-doubt swarms me
and self-esteem jumps off the roof
self-pity sneaks up and grabs me
while self-confidence goes poof

as i sit here all alone
and feel these emotions cloud my mind
i start to wonder
when will i ever find

peace from this torment
solace from the doubt
and a shield from all sad thought
for anger to be arrested
frustration to be hanged
and emo-ness to be shot

as the night
draws to a close
i lay down my head to sleep
as i drift off
into uneasy rest
troubles return to chasms deep

The Death Of A Butterfly

2009-04-15T21:35:00.002+08:00

once again the butterfly tracked
the Other for what seemed like an eternity
every nook and cranny was searched
but the Other he could not see

the butterfly searched for ages
but alas, it was not to be
the Other would never ever be found
so the butterfly landed on a tree

he looked down at the ground
and started to sniff and cry
little did he know behind him
there was a giant bird going by

like a bolt of lightning it struck
and snapped at the butterfly's wings
as he felt himself get caught and crushed
he thought of many things

of how the Other was thus desired
and yet it would never ever come to be
that beauty, that grace and that wonder
would be something he would never ever get to see

as he felt everything go numb
the butterfly heaved one last sigh
as his life ebbed away, with the last painstaking breath
he
felt
his
hopes
and
dreams
die.

The Further Adventures Of Mister Butterfly

2009-04-12T02:28:00.002+08:00

the butterfly continued on
as far as his compound eye could see
he saw only emptiness
and loneliness in his journey

he flitted across the night sky
wishing there were something more
and wondering and hoping
that there was something else in store

but he could not take his mind off
the Other that he once saw
how he wanted to find where it was going
and about it wanted to know more

this Other mystified him so
how it could be so fleeting
a masterpiece; a work of art
the song the angels sing

the first cry of a newborn
the rustle of the leaves
the whisper of the gentle wind
the pattern that the web of time weaves

the butterfly went past the moon
and for a moment all he could see
was the Other reflected
in the moon's encompassing beauty

he then flew toward the moon
but try as he might
he never seemed to get closer
to this mysterious enchanting light

he fought for what seemed like hours
until he snapped back to reality
he would probably never find this Other
and discover its beautiful mystery

disheartened, the butterfly
drifted slowly back to the ground
while he was staring sadly at the moon
a treasure decided to be found

the Other emerged from nowhere
just out of the butterfly's view
the butterfly smiled from antenna to antenna
and began his journey anew.

It's Getting Late.

2009-04-05T01:59:00.005+08:00

i shall go wallow in the piles of sand the sandman left behind

hopefully i can get some peace of mind

and take my troubles and hopes and dreams away

to the land that is LaLa, seperating night from day

and leave them there for eternity

they always come back looking for me

i wish they didn't - they torment me so

but yet day after day

week after week

month after month

year after year

they always return.

the world

awaits my waking

to stomp me into the ground

and grind sand into my face

laughing

laughing.

i shall deprive it of that joy

if only for a little while.

i shall depart now.

Rick Astley - Close To You

2009-04-03T00:51:00.001+08:00

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Everytime you are near
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

Why do stars
Fall down from the sky
Everytime you walk by
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born
The angels got together and decided
To create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair
Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the boys in town
Follow you all around
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

Bimbo Has A Whole New Meaning.

2009-03-27T03:08:00.006+08:00

i went to school to help out at some event involving the presence of some pre-poly students.

apparently the task was to introduce them to what a stand-upper was and guide them through scripting and presenting their pieces in front of a camera.

my first impression of them was that they were fairly normal people - save for the characteristic black sheep that were extremely attention seeking.

as the first batch was about to send out the first sacrificial lamb to forever imprint their folly on a DVC Pro Tape forever, i introduced them to our Snazzy Huge Video Camera™and explained the basic functions.

it was then that the STUPIDEST question i ever heard came running through my left ear, shredding what was left of my pulsating, shuddering brain and tearing its way out of my right ear. coloured spots exploded in front of my eyes and danced around the peripherals of my vision as i struggled to calm my flailing sanity and wrestle it back into its battered and bruised chains.

this girl cocked her head as she stuck it out of the door, seemingly confused/curious, and asked:

"can i drop it?"

let that sink in for a moment.

"can i drop it?"

THE Snazzy Huge Video Camera™?

YES, CINDERELLA DEAR - OF COURSE YOU CAN!

it's all very easy.

all it takes is four simple steps.

first
you move within arm's reach of the camera.

second
you reach your arm out. (this is why being within arm's reach of the camera is important, because one would otherwise miss.)

third
you pick the camera off its stand and hold it up high. (if one cannot hold it up due to one's scrawny arms, be sure to get another bimbo to hold it up for you. explain that it's Gucci.)

fourth
you release the tension in your fingers, causing them to slacken and the camera to embrace gravity and kiss the floor of MediaBiz Studios.

that is if you were willing to pay a rough sum of EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS to get the camera repaired/replaced.

i rolled the question around the smoking crater which was once my brain, trying to make sense of it all and wanting to find out HOW ON EARTH such a question could be produced and though about, especially with respect to the consequences and monetary compensation to the school that would follow should such an event occur.

"can i drop it?"

the question plagued my mind like so many houseflies over a rotted corpse.

i for the life of me could not fathom why such a STUPID question was asked or even HOW it was concieved.

however, i kept my dissatisfaction/disgust/distaste/disdain/dis______(fill in whatever word you like that fits the prefix) to myself and gritted my teeth, putting the headphones on and pretending not to have heard the STUPIDEST question i ever heard.

as much as i would have liked to tear my shirt and beat my chest in utter frustration and brokenness and scream some sense into the girl, my conscience told me i would be wasting my time, and that it would not be nice to scream at a secondary school kid.

that, and the fact that my teacher was just around the corner. the teacher in question could not hear the STUPIDEST question ever because Cinderella spoke as if her mouth contained gold pieces and refused to speak louder than a fly can buzz.

the inner turmoil that was my head refused to settle itself so i resigned myself to sitting in the corner and listening to broken english and stuttered words that masqueraded as complete sentences.

all this happened within the span of roughly six seconds - and no, i'm not exaggerating. the air of stupidity was heavy enough to crush an unsuspecting child.

too bad fat guys don't get crushed that easily.

The Butterfly and The Other.

2009-03-23T02:59:00.003+08:00

once there was a butterfly

flitting about aimlessly in the sky

then out of the corner of his eye

it saw an Other flying by

the butterfly quickly turned

and tried to follow behind

but it saw the sun instead

and became temporarily blind

it could still sense the presence

of an Other that had not gone far

so it trusted its senses to guide it

and nearly went splat on the windshield of a car

after the immense shock

it discovered it now could see

and once went on the trail again

to find out what the Other could be

it then flitted across the fields

and was chased by a dog

it took cover in the marshes

and nearly got eaten by a frog

all this while amongst the mayhem

it only had one goal in mind

to know what was the Other that went by

because it only saw the Other's behind

on and on and on it went

in desperate search of the Other again

always seeing it going about a corner

but losing track of it around the bend

the butterfly then marveled

at how elusive this Other could be

although for a brief moment there was contact

it saw nothing but beauty

it searched for

what seemed like an eternity

days to weeks and then to months

and the closest it ever got was Nearly

the butterfly was getting tired

and it could only appreciate from afar

of how the Other seemed so alluring

like a jewel of the night - a star

the Other was always so close

and yet always out of sight

so near yet so far

how the butterfly lamented its plight

to continue chasing something

so fast, yet beautiful and flying free

the butterfly wanted to see

the Other in its entirety

the last i heard of the butterfly

it was still continuing its chase

and it hopes that one day

it could finally see the Other's face.

Signs

2009-03-19T17:09:00.002+08:00

12 minutes well spent watching this.

i was informed that a product was named after my online alter-ego..
and it's none other than..

a footrest. -_-

visit http://www.thewebble.com/ to check it out.

on hindsight the imagery's rather fitting..

i found a purdy widdle bug in my kitchen yesterday (and climbed on top of the counter just to get pictures).

Down With Apple!

2009-03-14T21:54:00.001+08:00

source: http://i.gizmodo.com/5166649/ipods-and-young-people-have-utterly-destroyed-music

iPods and Young People Have Utterly Destroyed Music
By matt buchanan, 8:40 PM on Tue Mar 10 2009, 59,784 views

You know how most people are perfectly happy with Apple standard-issue earbuds, white plastic molded around a crappy audio experience? A Stanford professor's informal annual study shows that youngins like the "sizzle sounds" of MP3s.
Each year, Stanford Professor of Music Jonathan Berger does an informal test of his students by playing a bunch of different music in a bunch of different formats. Over email, here's how he told me performs the informal study:
Students were asked to judge the quality of a variety of compression methods randomly mixed with uncompressed 44.1 KHz audio. The music examples included both orchestral, jazz and rock music. When I first did this I was expecting to hear preferences for uncompressed audio and expecting to see MP3 (at 128, 160 and 192 bit rates) well below other methods (including a proprietary wavelet-based approach and AAC). To my surprise, in the rock examples the MP3 at 128 was preferred. I repeated the experiment over 6 years and found the preference for MP3 - particularly in music with high energy (cymbal crashes, brass hits, etc) rising over time.

In other words, younger people haven't just grown more tolerant of thin, soulless MP3 renditions of their favorite music, they actually like them. Shitty MP3s, even. O'Relly Radar quotes Professor Berger as saying that it's the "sizzle sounds" that people are loving because it's what they're comfortable with. So, yes Virginia, iPods really have killed music. People aren't just ignorant of high quality audio, they actually hate it. Gee, thanks for contributing to the downfall of civilization, Apple. Music is dead, everyone, carry on. [O'Reilly Radar, Image:Beard Papa/Flickr]

Good Ol' Sleep..

2009-03-12T03:03:00.002+08:00

i have slept a grand total of 18 hours on the 11th of March 2009.

and the sickness still doesn't wanna leave me like a fly hovering over half-rotten food.

the flu's disabling my nose so i can't smell and feel extremely deprived - no point eating anything.

the fever's killing my body so it perspires and i feel icky at all times.

the headache makes the world teeter left and right so i can't concentrate on something.

the sore throat's killing my throat so even swallowing is painful.

being sick and wide awake makes one think.. sometimes of funny things.

and some not-so-funny things.

which is bad.

very bad.

i don't wanna think about those things. :(

but i can't sleep either..

Awesome God.

2009-03-11T14:26:00.002+08:00

i woke up this morning with my throat burning, a slight fever and a bad flu.

today was the release of the results via SMS.

as you can probably tell, i wasn't feeling too good about today.

i woke at 8 for no reason and couldnt sleep for 20 minutes (goodness knows why) and woke again at 10, and then again at 2.

and i lay awake in bed, waiting for the dreaded sms ringtone.

and waited..

AND I HEARD IT.

I sprung out of bed (a 100kg mass springing out of bed is a sight to behold) and i grabbed my phone, before frantically prodding the screen to reach the sms screen.

LO AND BEHOLD, MY RESULTS WERE HERE.

Broadcast Performance: B

Cross-Cultural Communications: C+

Multi Cammera: B

Multimedia and Electronic Publishing: D

Radio Production: C

it may not look good to you high achievers and elite, but to me, being from the worst express class in my secondary school and failing nearly every subject there, and having such bad prelim points that even ITE wouldn't accept me, these results were AWESOME.

no failures, and 2 BEES TO BOOT!

maybe my GPA will finally get past 2.5!

THE LORD BE PRAISED!

and for those of you out there who didnt do as expected, here's a quote from a wise friend of mine:

Too often we complain about the bad, and forget all that is good. Lots of bad things happen to us, but it could be worse.

profound, isn't it?

i'm off to celebrate by grabbing some FOOD.

JOY OF JOYS!

2009-03-10T00:18:00.002+08:00

MY BEAR BEAR UMBRELLA HAS BEEN FOUND!

rejoicing and celebrations all around!

Ella Ella Ella Eh Eh Eh

2009-03-08T02:26:00.002+08:00

i left my favourite umbrella behind in church today.

i only just realised it in a moment of... well, realisation.

it had super cute bears running around the rim of the umbrella doing random things.

i remember telling myself 'take the umbrella after service, take the umbrella after service, don't forget it!'..

.. and i promptly forgot it the moment i stepped out of the chapel. i still loitered around the area and talked to people WITHOUT remembering it was there.

i happily went for dinner and went back to church, and HORROR OF HORRORS! i still didn't realise i had forgotten it. i went back AND I STILL FORGOT IT!

i forsook my umbrella for food.

and now its gone.

my cute cute bear bear umbrella.

i hope i can find it tomorrow.

:'( my heart is broken.

2009-03-07T01:06:00.009+08:00

there's nothing to blog about during the holidays - emo time means sleep time.
and sleeping has been so awesome.

a new member of the family has arrived! (click on pictures to expand)

From Optimouse

the world is awesome.. for now.

edit: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HIS EAR! HIS EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! :'(
EDIT 2: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HIS VISOR! HIS VISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRR. :'( X 100000

mickey is battle scarred. :'(

the world is NOT awesome right now.

on another happier note:
here are the pics from several outings.

Cell Picnic @ Sengkang

Sushi Outing with TP peeps

When Life Gives You Lemons..

2009-02-28T02:09:00.003+08:00

2009-02-24T02:52:00.000+08:00

this is totally awesome and nostalgic.

2009-02-21T01:02:00.002+08:00

these days haven't been the best of days - i lost a box belonging to a limited edition run japan-exclusive toy (the toy's worthless now thanks to the box, or lack thereof) and have probably lost my mind as well.

and a few other non-material things.

what i did get was a small childhood wish fulfilled - owning a particular toy:

Beast Wars Snapper.

lookit the little fella.

turtles are da bomb. (coincidentally the actual toy size is about the size depicted in the above pictures).

sometimes in life it's the little, simple things that make you smile..

..or are they?

is being easily contented a blessing or curse?

sometimes you really have to look and marvel at the fact of how the more shameless people get, the more attention and adoration they get.

the materialistic, flambuoyant culture that spreads far and wide welcomes those who embrace it, and those who shun it get shunned by the general populace who have been assimilated.

my morals and values (as well as my disposition) prevent me from doing so, but one thing i can't stand seeing is people who, in their entirety, fail to show any discernable sign of being remotely civil and sane and yet are surrounded by people who seemingly love and care for them and have friends who are constantly there for them.

how on earth does it even work this way?!

some people manage to grow up with a relatively nice and good environment - they can laugh, smile and frolic without a care in life while others are kicked into the dirty ditch of circumstance, left for dead.

...this world is complete, complete bull.

Broken.

2009-02-14T03:36:00.004+08:00

the feeling of total helplessness is a feeling i daresay not experienced by many, even during their entire lifetimes. it's not something anyone should or would want to experience - but yet it comes, as unavoidable as a cyclone or earthquake.

total helplessness is not the feeling that comes with not being able to complete a crucial examination paper or getting bad grades; neither is it the feeling of being stuck on a project with nothing to aid oneself. it's not the feeling of being alone on valentine's day, nor is it the feeling of losing a handphone or wallet.

total helplessness comes with not being able to do or say anything that would otherwise influence an unfavourable outcome stemming from a current problem.

i envy those with good parent(s) - those who bother to take time and speak to their children, encourage and nurture them, and generally care about the well-being of their offspring.

i envy those who don't need to live in fear everyday - constantly looking over one's shoulder and retracing my words and footsteps, meticulously doing everything to the letter and ensuring that something's perfectly in place to avoid conflict, or being careful not to spout a single word that would offend and turn the entire house into a bar-room brawl in a second.

i'm not talking about just having a simple quarrel with parents which blows over the next morning - it's far more than just that. if one thinks a usual quarrel involves condemning, discouraging, cursing, threatening to smash possesions or breaking ties, spewing vulgarities and physical violence (usually with the intent of spilling blood), then something is seriously wrong.

my heart aches everytime i see a parent talking to their child - smiling and conversing without a care. i see them talking as if they were friends; i can feel the warmth of their smiles toward each other.

the feeling of having a warm hug from a parent, the feeling of a gentle nudge when one is out of line, the feeling of having a proper casual conversation without fear that something will trigger off a spate of violence, the feeling of recieving a simple smile or words of encouragement from a parent, or hearing those precious three words: "I Love You." - those feelings are priceless.

i have never known what they feel like.

probably never will.

i was put here for a reason - and i know i won't be given anything i cannot handle; but i can't for the life of me understand the underlying reasons behind my plight.

this is the feeling of total helplessness - knowing that aside from divine intervention, nothing else can change whatever's happening now. Nothing.

i am broken.

Jesus, i need you now, more than ever.

i really, really do.

please.

Good Day!

2009-02-12T20:31:00.005+08:00

a 3-parter post:

(1)

today appeared to be a good day when i finished class at 11.

the sun was hiding behind the clouds, a cool breeze was blowing and i had nary a care in the world.

the whole day was without any agenda so i decided to go get some toys.

i bought a NECA Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter 4:

(pics belong to raydaimon from fwoosh)

as with all good days, something was bound to go wrong.. and it did.

as i reached home and opened the fresh, crisp new packaging, i cut myself on the sharp edge of the plastic.

but that wasn't a problem, so i carried on.

i continued slitting the plastic cover until the tray inside containing ryu was free. i undid the twist ties and was about to set ryu free from his plastic prison.

and then i lifted his limp body out of the tray..

..and his right arm stayed in the tray.

his shoulder had BROKEN in the joint.

could this day get any worse?

apparently it did.

i quickly went online to search for several means and methods where i could repair ryu's broken plastic ring which attached his shoulder to his body. after much searching, i found NOTHING.

in a brief epiphany, i cracked open a half-destroyed transformer from my spare parts bin and dug out a joint from its carcass - i then proceeded to try to knock a plastic rod out of ryu's shoulder to fit the joint in with a small screwdriver.

and i stabbed myself in the finger.

deep.

hard.

in the end, i managed to fix ryu - he looks good as new, although modified (justin calls it bio-enhanced).

Ryu has my blood all over his white gi.

...i swear he looks like ken now.

*as of 1:46am, 13/02/2009, i have broken Ryu three times, fixed him four times, stabbed myself twice and cut myself five times.

(2)

i filled up this facebook quiz/survey thing yesterday.

it was my first time doing such a thing.. and probably my last.

these things just don't warrant that much time and attention spent on them.

here it is: 25 Random Things.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right-hand corner of the page), then click Publish.)

1) I weigh from 98kg to 101kg, depending on how much i eat (and subsequently poop) a day.

2) Contrary to popular belief, i am not 110kg and have never been (and hopefully will never be)

3) I collect toys and am one of the youngest collectors in the scene.

4) I like Transformers and have been a fan since i was young.

5) I like Kamen Riders and have been a fan since i was introduced to it by a friend last year.

6) Anybody who thinks I'm childish should read this quote: (if one calls me childish and yet does not understand this, that person in question should not be very mature themselves.)

“Critics who treat "adult" as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adults themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence...."

— C. S. Lewis, On Three Ways of Writing for Children

7) I HATE people who chide me on being immature and childish. See above quote.

8) I was born one month after Roald Dahl died.

9) My birthday falls on Children's Day.

10) My birthday shares the same date as China's National Day.

11) I sold my Nintendo DS Lite to get a PSP.

12) I sold my PSP to get an Xbox 360.

13) I'm a big fan of games/movies involving Zombies.

14) I like turtles.

15) I like wolves.

16) I love dinosaurs.

17) Transformers which turn into those 3 animals are my favourites.

18) I abhor rich people who live relatively carefree lives with nary a trouble or worry and have supportive parents who back whatever they do.

19) I feel like punching said rich people in the face when they tell someone to 'get over' something - especially when they've experienced hardly any troubles or worries.

20) Clowns are evil.

21) No, life is not full of rainbows and butterflies.

22) Life is, and will always be inherently negative - pessimists are really down-to-earth people who manage to see the reality in every situation. Optimists are people who think things will never go wrong - until reality kicks them in the teeth. Then they become pessimists.

23) That's what happened to me.

24) I believe that flowers need poop to grow well. Similarly, people who experience troubles and negative experiences will eventually turn out better than those who aren't nourished by said poop.

25) Jesus is pure win.

(3)
the Physical Training Phase for FAT PEOPLE in NS has been doubled:

SINGAPORE: The Ministry of Defence (MINDEF) has decided to extend the Physical Training Phase (PTP) for National Service enlistees who fail to get NAPFA (National Physical Fitness Assessment) test silver award.

The PTP will be extended from four weeks to eight weeks, but the overall duration of full-time two-year National Service will remain unchanged for these enlistees.

The eight-week PTP will be implemented for those enlisted from December 2009.

19-year-old Singapore Polytechnic student Dexter Tay is quite sure he will have to serve the extra month of physical training when he enlists in 2010.

"I've been failing my NAPFA test from Secondary One to Secondary Four - altogether including the re-tests - about 10 times. And I've been having difficulty during my 2.4 (km) runs and sometimes sit-ups... If I'm really unfit and it (the extension) will benefit me, then it's okay; it's just an additional one month, not a year," said Tay, a National Service enlistee in 2010.

Second Defence Minister Dr Ng Eng Hen explained that enlistees are split into two groups.

For those who have obtained the National Physical Fitness Silver Award, about half go directly for Basic Military Training (BMT). The remaining half attend a four-week PTP.

Second Defence Minister Dr Ng Eng Hen, speaking in Parliament on Thursday, said: "Four weeks of PTP does improve their physical performance. Even after four weeks, many still do not reach the same level of fitness when compared to their peers who were enlisted directly for BMT.

So MINDEF and the SAF have decided to extend PTP from four to eight weeks. This will ensure a more uniform level of fitness amongst the recruits when they start their BMT.

After the recruits have completed their eight weeks of the physical training phase, they will then start serving their one year and 10 months of full-time national service.

Dr Ng however hopes that young male Singaporeans will not get the wrong idea and neglect or reduce regular exercise. That is because eight weeks of PTP may still be inadequate for those in poor physical condition.

Dr Ng added that MINDEF also regularly reviewed the recognition accorded to NSmen after they complete their full time national service. And it will convene RECORD V next month.

It will build on the work done by the first four committees, and recommend further ways to recognise the contributions of NSmen.

- CNA/ir/ls
source: http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/408531/1/.html

i am SO dead.

Solemn Bus Rides.

2009-02-07T19:25:00.003+08:00

the world passes by, ever so fleeting, ever so quickly - past the trees, past the streetlights, past the many people who know not my face or name - but yet for that brief, infinitesmally short moment, our paths cross.

how different can other people's lives be?

some are sporty, outgoing people - they enjoy being with their peers and can boast of many friendships; people clamouring for their attention and forming a line just to talk to them.

others are quiter, more reserved - however, they still have their little circle of close friends, and they are able to gel together to the point of being inseperable. in this little group, friendships are secure and tight.

and then there's me.

the overweight, overeating bum who sits on his chair and faces his computer day in, day out with nothing but his toys to keep him company.

walking alone even with a group of people, silently observing and longing while others engage in active conversation about topics he cannot fully comprehend or contribute to.

the gaming junkie who has little or no social life, knowing nothing else to talk about except games and comics and transformers.

the useless group mate who can't contribute much in group discussions and meetings; the one who's just there for the sake of being there. the student who attends school without aim or meaning. the group member whose ONLY usefulness stems from his obsession and knowledge with computers and technology that would otherwise be completely redundant outside of related circumstances.

it's tiring trying to be somebody i'm not. trying to change isn't gonna do anything but create more masks. putting on a facade in order to blend in but still failing miserably. putting on a mask just to show the happier side of things.

i'm so, so tired.

ZOMBIES AGAIN.

2009-01-29T17:35:00.001+08:00

A Horror-Themed Trailer created for a Multimedia and Electronic Publishing module. A supposed trailer for a zombie film - background track and hunter scream from Left4Dead.

Enjoy.

Comments very very welcome! :)

Hitchcock Was Right!

2009-01-20T19:38:00.003+08:00

today while walking to my dental appointment, there was this balding guy in front of me - you know, those balding guys who try to grow the sides of their hair EXTRA long and comb it over the bald spot smack in the middle?

yeah, those guys.

so this fella was strutting his stuff, the bald spot on his head shining for the world to see.

then this crow swooped down from a tree, talons opened and at the ready.. and clawed his bald spot.

im serious!

the crow was a big fella with a wingspan easily more than 40cm! what on earth possessed it to attack the poor, balding man?

everyone's probably already making fun of his bald spot, and the crow had to go and EMPHASIZE that fact by now making it all red and raw.

the man was obviously startled, and after the crow flew off, its assasination attempt foiled, the man kept touching the bald spot which the crow clawed.

what a horrible crow.

Great Scott!

2009-01-13T00:40:00.002+08:00

i had another weird dream yesterday.

i was at home when i heard a fluttering noise unlike that of a bird.

i went out to the living room and lo and behold! there was a large blue prawn with dragonfly wings flying and banging against the window.

i moved closer and it suddenly rushed towards me and impaled my left hand between the thumb and the index finger when i raised my hands to defend myself - i swear i felt the pain and blood as if it were real. (prawns have REALLY sharp head spikes you see.)

naturally i screamed like a madman and grabbed it with my right hand. with tremendous pulling power and force it surged forward from my grasp and impaled my left hand again, this time through the centre.

the two holes were punctured clean through the hand - i could see through it (ignoring the blood and bone).

i was at this point screaming like a madman in pain and anger and i crushed it with my right hand the way one would deshell a prawn head first.

its head dropped and blue-ish liquid spurted out. and i dropped the carcass before falling to the floor myself.

i was apparently sent to the hospital (still screaming) when i awoke at 6:37 am (with some pain still lingering in my left hand for goodness knows what reason).

stupid, crazy dreams..

The New Year.

2009-01-07T22:59:00.003+08:00

the new year's largely underwhelming - 'happy new year' may be a bit of a misnomer given the current state of things all around the world.

i mean, the new year opened up with a nightclub burning down and people dying - how happy can that be?

and i'm gonna be nineteen this year.. my last year of being a teenager before i enter my TWENTIES next year... how on earth did i end up here? from a fun loving fat little boy to a fun loving fat not-so-little boy.

it's been nearly two decades since i first came into this world.. but it doesn't feel that way.

it seemed like just last month when i faked a stomachache in primary school so i could go home and watch my cartoons.

it seemed like just three weeks ago when i got my O level results.

it seemed like just last week when i entered poly.

slowly but surely, time is scraping away the flesh of my time here, ever so gently peeling the layers away exposing the raw, bleeding area underneath - sooner or later, it'll hit the bone, and we all know what happens after that.

i've seen the world of adults - and i don't like it one bit.

the catty, bizatchy environment where politics rule and where if you aren't good looking, rich or related to some famous person, you're nothing.

i don't wanna go into a world where one must bootlick, patronise and beg just to get noticed..

but alas, time and circumstance demand otherwise.

i don't wanna be nineteen. :(

Ponyo Ponyo Ponyo Ponyo Sakana No Ko!

2008-12-31T01:20:00.002+08:00

i am absolutely ENCHANTED by this film:

Ponyo On The Cliff By The Sea.

such innocence and beauty have never before been expressed so wonderfully, be it through the song or the show.

it's showing in Singapore now isn't it!

AND I'VE GOT THE SONG! :D :D :D

Behold The Future!

2008-12-30T02:29:00.002+08:00

in the future, i'm gonna be the uncle whom all my peers' kids know and love as "the trendy one".

i'll be the uncle who the kids will be proud of having and tell their friends about saying "uncle Ian's WAAAAAAAAAAAAY trendier than yo momma and poppa!".

i'll probably live alone (with neither wife nor kid given the current and probably future state of things) in a house full of books and toys which both the people who come over and i will enjoy.

the kids can be sent over for daycare while you fellas are off to work and they can play with the toys, but if your kid breaks it you gotta foot the bill.

:'(

'nuff said.

Of Things Past And Life's Regrets

2008-12-27T23:19:00.003+08:00

Of things past and life's regrets

of love lost and love that never was

might haves, could haves and should have beens

of many gains and greater loss

things come and go

only His Word still remains

and yet these scars prove

much of life's aches and pains

only eighteen and yet

already missing the past and its joys

of the tears and laughter

of the time when men were still boys

of the times when brothers were tight

and friendship still meant a thing

age shreds all semblance of it

the few fragments left futilely lingering

growing up rips childhoods from grasping hands

and yet inevitable to all who live

years and years slowly take sanity

until one has nothing left to give

people now don't live like they used to

most only exist and nothing more

progress and change come knocking

and they slam the door

Of things past and life's regrets

of love lost and love that has yet to pass

sometimes you look back

and really, really, REALLY

....

wanna kick yourself in the arse.

Sec 2 Boys Retreat & Baptism!

2008-12-25T23:04:00.001+08:00

it's been an extremely fast year - but of course, life won't release the year so quickly; submission dates are looming round the corner.

Merry Christmas to all.

Congrats to wesley and aaron pang on their baptism! :D

Sec 2 Boys Retreat:

Christmas Service Baptism:

A Lonely Sunday Afternoon.

2008-12-22T01:15:00.003+08:00

i was lying in bed at around 5pm today, wanting to sleep.

however a few thoughts plagued me, and i couldn't rest - instead, i simply stared at the ceiling as the thoughts ran their rounds in my brain.

they obviously got quite a bit of exercise.

this thought was especially prominent: "what am i doing at 5pm alone at home, lying on my bed and doing absolutely NOTHING on a beautiful sunday evening?"

some use sundays for family gatherings, others go out with their friends and those people who have a significant other have some time to enjoy each other's company..

.. and here i am lying awake in bed with nary a thing to occupy me, all alone.

i shifted, rolled and tossed and turned as i tried to throw the thought from my mind, but it clung on with claws that gripped my brain and minced it thoroughly.

i drifted off into an uneasy sleep..

...

and promptly dreamt about a Cloverfield-esque monster ripping through half of Singapore which included half of my block, the subsequent release of all the predators in the Singapore Zoo, and my family, friends and i fighting the animals for food and survival.

BOY, WHAT GIVES?!

wow, 6k views in 8 months!

Day 6, Fukuoka

2008-12-19T23:47:00.003+08:00

the last day in fukuoka - i hate to admit it, but i miss singapore.. simply cuz i don't understand japanese. otherwise, i'd probably opt to stay here.

the Japanese society is EVER so gracious - thier mannerisms, attitudes and service standards are all top notch.. but the standard of living's pretty messed up though.

funnily enough, with the high standard of living i still haven't seen any beggars.

SINGAPORE HERE I COME!

Places:

Food:

Fukuoka, Day 5

2008-12-18T22:38:00.001+08:00

Went to some garden and saw an entire school running.. there was a guy who looked like me. T_T

i found a toy shop which barely sold transformers - i didnt get anything much.
today had some pretty good food though - japanese curry rocks!

Places:

Food:

Fukuoka, Day 4

2008-12-18T00:08:00.003+08:00

i went to hiroshima after countless hours of protesting and a SGD $1K train ride.
what i saw was interesting but nothing to sit up and look around with eyes wide..

unless you count the gruesome relics from the blast. (i did NOT take pics of them.)

i still have no idea why a train ride costs SGD $1K.

i caught the shoe-throwing-at-bush incident on the news a few days ago - and someone posted this:

Credits to uNrEaLiTy of EDMW.

Places

Food

Fukuoka, Day 3

2008-12-16T20:12:00.001+08:00

Day in Fukuoka

nothing pretty much happened again - except that i had a ride down the river and went to the hot spring..

AND ate totally awesome sashimi.. which costed like 50 bucks. T_T

Places:

\

Food:

Fukuoka, Day 2

2008-12-15T21:41:00.003+08:00

day 2 in fukuoka.

nothing much happened (again) except that i bought a melon cocktail drink thinking it was melon soda.. and i was reminded again that i'm ALLERGIC TO ALCOHOL in the most painful way. (it's my mother's fault! she passed her genes to me!)

suffice to say, i missed dinner and am still having a HORRIBLE headache. the drink was pretty shiok.. i have pics! :D

the kids here are awesomely cute though - i will try getting pictures soon. ;)

A few other places.

MORE FOOD. :D

Fukuoka, Day 1

2008-12-14T19:44:00.004+08:00

Day 1 in Fukuoka:

nothing much happened - the usual business of arriving and taking a taxi to the hotel.
there's a shopping centre called Canal City behind my hotel, the Grand Hyatt Fukuoka.. but there's nothing much there except food, clothes and a Pokemon Store.

the girls in japan aren't all that the media makes them out to be - however, majority of them are still WOOHOO.

a few pics i took from the Land of the Rising Sun:

Before Flying:

On The Plane:

Some Pics of the Sky (and Ground)

Places:

GLORIOUS FOOD:

The Unfinished Jigsaw Puzzle.

2008-12-13T03:15:00.005+08:00

can every piece of a jigsaw puzzle really fall into place?

granted, there's a complementing piece for nearly every puzzle piece - two pieces that fill the void in each other.

somehow, somewhere, there's a piece which matches another.. or so they say.

however, in the process of matching the pieces and bringing them all together to form one complete picture, some pieces are inadvertantly lost - pieces fall off the table into the pit, other pieces that are simply not there to begin with, and even pieces that are torn and tattered.

obviously, these jigsaw pieces can't fit in.

how, then, are the voids ever going to be filled in every piece?

there is no answer.

sure, there are those pieces which seem to be able to fit in with any other piece of their choice - such is their compatibility; their edges were crafted with slightly more finess, their finish slightly glossier and the colours that much brighter than the lesser pieces of the jigsaw - those are the pieces that were always meant to be noticed and fawned upon.

these pieces have every right and reason to scoff and riducule those lesser pieces - after all, the pieces were meant to fit in right smack in the middle of the jigsaw puzzle with every other piece wanting to complement their void.

those pieces are in essence, near perfect.

and then there are the pieces which were made lesser than perfect.

some voids are never gonna be filled, some pieces destined never to be matched.

some jigsaw pieces attempt to fit in with another - it's a clean fit at the start, but something just doesn't click, and the pieces pop out after some time.

some pieces hope and long to be able to fit with another piece - but the intricacies of the puzzle, down to the very way the said pieces were formed, will never allow that union.

other pieces settle for a less-than-perfect fit, and the jigsaw puzzle seems complete - until a piece that better complements the other comes along, and one is abandoned in favour of the better match.

certain pieces will forever be forgotten, swept under the carpet, and others lie in the dark and dank corners of the packaging from whence they came..

..such is the imperfection of the jigsaw puzzle we call Life.

the jigsaw puzzle lies unfinished still.

Cheng Cheng Cheng Hong Mao Dan Cheng Cheng Cheng.

2008-12-12T03:12:00.002+08:00

i lost my voice due to 3 days of camp.. and i have to record my Piece-To-Camera tomorrow.

somehow, losing my voice let me learn something - for a singer to lose his/her voice is a terrible feeling (being unable to sing for God and all that), but God helped me realise that sometimes one can worship with song and music even without words.

i went to the worship team retreat today (with my voice almost totally gone) and yet during the worship segments, i praised the Lord - by mouthing the words and singing with my heart. this silent worship was one of the best instances of corporate worship i have ever experienced. there was a tangible presence of God in the chapel and i just enjoyed it; my mouth was silent but yet i sang to the Lord.

i probably looked ridiculous, but it was an extremely important reaffirmation to me that worship indeed comes from the heart and nowhere else..
and most importantly, my voice was restored a little after worship..

the Lord is great indeed.

Cheng Cheng Cheng *Hong Mao Dan* Cheng Cheng Cheng!

ZOMBIES!

2008-12-08T00:40:00.000+08:00

a few pics from filming the trailer for the group's proposed zombie movie.

NON-GORY.

Fun With Cardboard.

2008-12-03T23:01:00.004+08:00

Quote from Hobbes the Stuffed Tiger (Calvin and Hobbes):

"The things people do with corrugated cardboard nowadays..."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand my inspiration: his name is DANBOARD! :D :D :D

i do not own him, sadly.

2008-12-01T16:48:00.001+08:00

my friend elias drew this in class today (i have no idea why).

"Yan" was purposely misspelled.. or so he said.

apparently it looks a lot like me.

2008-11-25T20:39:00.001+08:00

i normally don't endorse forwarded emails, but this one really struck me:

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How God could let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did (Noone but God that is). But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in. because we asked for it, we got it!

Jesus said in John 14.13
And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do,

If you asked God to get out of your life, He is just doing what you asked!

Things That Go Bump In The Night

2008-11-24T13:08:00.003+08:00

yesterday night around 3am i was awoken by a series of thumps and furniture creaking noises.

i hear these almost every night and i bought the cheesy scientific explanation that it was movement caused by the expansion and contraction of objects - but i'm not so sure.

the creaking was louder than usual and the thumps were distinct. i lay awake, thinking that it might be my mother doing housework (she does housework at weird times anyway).

it was then i heard my mother open her bedroom door, switch on the hall lights and come into my room and ask why i was moving around and thumping stuff in the middle of the night.

i almost pooped my pants - i kid you not.

she concluded that it was me and told me to sleep.

about 10-15 minutes later, the thumping started again and i head them getting closer.

then there was a THUMP on my door.

i was scared poopless.

i finally drifted off into an uneasy sleep sometime around 4am after feverishly praying.

what on earth..?