Self-Pity/Loathing.

That's what this post is about.
or rather, it's a simple reflection of my life. which leads to self-pity and loathing.

this is the truth.


if you choose to read on, feel free to point and laugh/rage.

here we go:



I loathe what I've become.

When reality bites it bites so damned hard.

I look at my life and try and see what it's all about - and i see nothing of value.
nothing good that's come out of anything.

i asked myself this: what does my life revolve around?


toys..?
geek trivia..?
the internet..?


the list stopped dead there.



that's it?
that's what my 19 years of existence has amounted to?


toys, geek trivia and a few computer skills?
that's all there is to me?

over the past few years, i've spent close to/more than $5k on toys - the real amount's beyond me, that's just a rough estimate.
i haven't even counted the comic books and trading cards yet.

the wasted money could have helped save a life or feed a family.




each and every day i subconsciously source for useless information - comic book lore, random tidbits of information, geek knowledge and the like.

i know the names and powers of a myriad of comic book superheroes and details on their shenanigans.
i can probably name every single pokemon given enough time.
i can remember the theme song of many cartoons over the years.


what do these things have in common?

they have nothing of value.
nothing which would add to my life or another's.

i regularly find myself sleepless as i think about what the future holds for me after national service - and i draw a blank.
nothing i've ever done will leave so much as a hairline scratch to prove i ever existed - aside from all the wasteful and useless garbage in my wake.




i have friends.

i have friends?

what do i really have in common with most people?

i'm a toy collector/trivia junkie/comic book geek.
my repertoire of conversation topics would be based around said attributes.
nothing i say or do is of vague interest to many - and even if some of then were they'd be bored/pissed off pretty damned quickly when they discover that's all there is to me.

yep, that's all there is to me.

i cannot profess to have many good friends - maybe people i can hold a decent conversation with and who can understand some of the basic human emotions that i experience.



but i am not a good friend.



friendships always seem to be like the latest, most interesting video game that comes along.
i get the game, i engage actively in it for a while, i put effort into it, and after a while the activity fades.
sure, i may pick it up again once in a while and revisit past save files, but that's it.

or at least, that's what everything has amounted to so far.

i might as well have been living in a game of The Sims.






sure, i profess to be a christian - a baptised one at that.
i live for God, right..?



no. i don't.



i have not done anything thus far that a professing christian would do.
not anything.
i hardly pray (if at all), i haven't (out of my own conviction) so much as touched the bible in ages (read: YEARS), and any material completed/service attended/duty done is done simply out of obligation and nothing more.
i realise i've been living a lie.

ian the christian is no more real than optimus prime the autobot.
use a little imagination and we might both just exist virtually for a while.





as i look back, everything that i've ever lived for amounts to nothing of value.
everything has been done solely for self-gratification and just to get that little bit more attention for myself.


me, me, me.
if hedonism were a religion i'd be a pastor.




in short, these are the things i'm supposed/expected to be:
1) a good christian
2) a good son
3) a good brother
4) a good (boy)friend
5) a good student

these are the things i am:
1) a phony 'christian'
2) a lousy son
3) a screwed-up brother
4) an empty vessel
5) a student who barely scrapes through anything.

these are the things i've achieved in my life:
1) a diploma in communications and media management
2) a useless toy collection

that's it.
sure, i can write and rhyme a little - and all for what?
nope, nothing there too.




that's totally it.
that's my life - all 19 years of it.



i have wasted each and every cent of my parents' hard-earned salary poured into raising me and shaping me so that i could have a decent chance at survival when i leave the nest.

they've been raising a good-for-nothing leech.

or to give more fitting imagery - raising a white elephant.

The term 'White Elephant' is derived from Thailand, where an Albino (white) elephant was given to unfavored people by the ruler. Because these elephants were sacred and not permitted to work, it was a burden to the owner as it would eat up all the owner's money until he/she became destitute.
source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/white+elephant

they are ashamed and i know it.

i'm ashamed as well.




while people my age or younger have been slowly making a mark for themselves (or already have made a mark) in life, i've just been sitting by the sidelines too caught up in my stupid, childish view of the world and let the biggest defining moments of my life simply pass me by.

and there's no turning back, is there?




if i knew i was going to die tomorrow (no, this is not a suicide note.) i'd look back and end it on the spot simply because there wouldn't be anything to reflect upon or bring up as a subject of interest for that one remaining day that would bring a smile to anyone's face.

but hey, i'd die laughing.






'cuz my life has been a joke.

to those who still haven't screwed up this badly: don't make the same mistake.
if this helps, then maybe - just maybe, my life would have amounted to at least something.