Toilet Paper

my mother just got a new kind of toilet paper because it was at a discounted enough price to be comparable to normal toilet paper. it looks kinda nice, with little seashells and dolphin prints on it. granted, it had hours of play value, but a toilet paper's design doesn't affect much. after all, i'm not gonna be looking at it 24/7.

it looks a little like this, only that the flamingos are dolphins, the flowers are seashells and it's green. use your imagination.

not wanting to judge a book by its cover though, i decided to poke it. it felt normal to the touch. i put its integrity to the test about a day later when my stomach insisted on its right to expel everything wrong in numerous painful incidents in the span of an hour, at about 6:30am in the morning on what was supposed to be a day where mornings aren't supposed to exist for me, because i do not have to go to school.


i was not pleased.


somehow though, the toilet paper made it (almost) bearable.

don't get me wrong, i'm not a toilet paper connoisseur, but the moment i used it i could tell that it was awesome. it's been a long time since my butt felt good toilet paper.





it can be argued that the chief purpose of toilet paper is to absorb and clean away waste or dirt, and it is commonly used after one takes a dump to clear remnants of said dump away from one's posterior.

in other words, it's more or less used to clean after you pangsai lah.


there are two kinds of toilet paper.


the first seems absolutely normal - it feels soft to the touch and is seemingly thick enough to soak up a decent amount of fluid - however, when used, it somehow manages to start crumbling and wearing thin, inevitably leaving bits of itself behind along with uncleaned waste, as well as giving rise to a cause for the user to wash their hands furiously with soap and curse and swear moments later.


it also makes one feel like one just swiped a cheese grater over one's butt.




the second also seems absolutely normal - it's also soft and is also seemingly thick enough to soak up decent amounts of fluid, but when used it proves itself to be more than meets the eye (i had to do it!). it holds strong despite the waste it has to clear, and it does a good job of catching a fair amount of waste with each wad used. also, it feels like a little bit of happiness mixed in with some cloud freshly picked from a cool blue sky.

good toilet paper is hard to find.




now, both kinds of toilet paper look alright and feel soft to the touch, and may even smell similar - however, one cannot tell which kind of toilet paper one is using until crunch time comes.
essentially, only when a roll of toilet paper is called to serve its purpose can one truly tell what it's made of, and whether it will stand strong in the face of brown, mucky adversity or crumble like the cheap pulp its made out of.

this would make for a good facebook quiz: 'What Kind of Toilet Paper are You?'






i have no idea why the dolphins are still smiling.