Broken.

the feeling of total helplessness is a feeling i daresay not experienced by many, even during their entire lifetimes. it's not something anyone should or would want to experience - but yet it comes, as unavoidable as a cyclone or earthquake.

total helplessness is not the feeling that comes with not being able to complete a crucial examination paper or getting bad grades; neither is it the feeling of being stuck on a project with nothing to aid oneself. it's not the feeling of being alone on valentine's day, nor is it the feeling of losing a handphone or wallet.

total helplessness comes with not being able to do or say anything that would otherwise influence an unfavourable outcome stemming from a current problem.

i envy those with good parent(s) - those who bother to take time and speak to their children, encourage and nurture them, and generally care about the well-being of their offspring.

i envy those who don't need to live in fear everyday - constantly looking over one's shoulder and retracing my words and footsteps, meticulously doing everything to the letter and ensuring that something's perfectly in place to avoid conflict, or being careful not to spout a single word that would offend and turn the entire house into a bar-room brawl in a second.

i'm not talking about just having a simple quarrel with parents which blows over the next morning - it's far more than just that. if one thinks a usual quarrel involves condemning, discouraging, cursing, threatening to smash possesions or breaking ties, spewing vulgarities and physical violence (usually with the intent of spilling blood), then something is seriously wrong.

my heart aches everytime i see a parent talking to their child - smiling and conversing without a care. i see them talking as if they were friends; i can feel the warmth of their smiles toward each other.

the feeling of having a warm hug from a parent, the feeling of a gentle nudge when one is out of line, the feeling of having a proper casual conversation without fear that something will trigger off a spate of violence, the feeling of recieving a simple smile or words of encouragement from a parent, or hearing those precious three words: "I Love You." - those feelings are priceless.

i have never known what they feel like.

probably never will.

i was put here for a reason - and i know i won't be given anything i cannot handle; but i can't for the life of me understand the underlying reasons behind my plight.

this is the feeling of total helplessness - knowing that aside from divine intervention, nothing else can change whatever's happening now. Nothing.

i am broken.

Jesus, i need you now, more than ever.

i really, really do.

please.